The personal lesson I learned this week

Sorry I have been gone a few days... but I have something personal to share. For a few weeks I have really been struggling with depression. I thought it was my bipolar... it was a really deep depression unlike I have had in a while... coming right off of a extreme high place in my life. Again I share insight into my chemical inbalance which runs deep in our family because I don't know that everyone understands this.

I am a very strong Godly woman who leans on Lord for support. Those of you who know me knows that mt favorite verse is Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me I pray, I study, I am actively involved in services and love dearly my earthly and spiritual family that gives me and my family much support and prayers.

When I go through my valleys that my bipolar brings on I feel disconnected. Many christians whom don't understand can take this as a sign of weakness... that I don't trust in God and my faith is not strong. This is not true and the more that people know me and see how strong my faith is they have learned to see that this medical condition is in fact just that... a medical condition.

I again am not perfect. I need to loose weight and take care of my body and there in lies a weakness. I have for a few weeks been thinking of keeping a minor update on my health issues soley to be accountable to someone. I am not preaching about everyone's need to treat their body as a temple yada yada... I just realize for myself if I start taking care of myself better a few things will happen to help me on this spiritual journey and my ministry and my walk for my Lord.

If I am healthier I have more energy. More energy to physically help my brethren... more energy to focus in my studies... more energy to focus on my family. I also should extend my life so more time walking apon this Earth to spread the gospel. If I am healthier my mental balance should be much better and with abetter mental health a better ministry!

Okay so all that said, this depression was so bad I was really feeling like there was no point to me walking on this Earth. I felt I was not helping anyone, I was no closer to teaching my kids a better lifestyle and how to let zgod into their life because we have discussed that their journey on Earth is going in an opposite direction of my own. I coould not understand how I was feeling so low when to weeks previous I was on top of the world.

I share this with everyone because I have learned some news and God has been teaching me a lesson one with some sad news... one with good news as well. One that has emotionally drained me but is also helping me to refocus my life and remind me I have a reason to be on this Earth. Also a lesson of patience and not to give God an altimatum... and to learn from my own lessons!

For those of you that don't know I have never birthed my own child. I have always wanted to be able to carry a child and birth a child and have those first few baby years and be able to raise a child from birth. Robert and I decided one last time we would take me off of birth control and said basically God it's now or never... how dare I! Who am I to say when? God has called me Sarah and has told me to be patient.

I started bleeding bad this week and something did not seem right. Friday I went into the doctors office and she told me I had a miscarriage. I was about to ask for a histerectamy... I was tired of emotionally going through the ups and downs... dealing with the fear of cancer... and the inconsistant moods and menstral cycles. My body was tired and worn out for awhile now... no energy nor desire to keep up with my schedual house work etc...

I go to get an ultrasound today to make sure everything has been cleared out of my system. But the baby, baby Hope, had to have been in my body a few months. I knew when I was pregnaunt. I knew it. Had discussed it with my sister, my sister-n-law, and my best friend. I wasn't loosing weight on my diet, I was always hungry, things weere just differant about my body. Then I started bleeding and decided that was that. Went back on the pill and Hope stayed with me a few months.

My plus side? I can ge pregnaunt! We thought I couldn't but I can! My job? My renewed sense of direction in life? To get it all together! I am goingt to loose the weight and clean my system of toxins, I need to be healthy. I need to mentally be healthy. I need to have more patience and help get my kids life in order. I need to be financially better prepared. It won't be overnight probably a few years... and even if it never happens... I am not supposed to roll over and give up!

AGAPE
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